ahma passed away on friday.

the house feels so empty but it felt like she has never left. everytime i step into the kitchen, i can somehow sense her presence where her photo is placed. but everytime i'm in there, tears would come unknowingly into my eyes. everytime i walk past ahma's room, the sense of grief would wash over me so strongly that i had to walk away as quickly as i can. ahma, i miss you so much!!

now i understand wad they meant by regretting not doing more when the person's around. i regretted not hugging her one more time, not kissing her cheek, telling her goodbye/hello, not holding her hand, not making her smile by talking to her, not holding her hand while she's walking, not watching the tv with her, not visiting her in her last visit to the hospital. so many things i regretted not doing and now it's all too late. i won't ever get the chance to do all these anymore.

ahma...

i was the first one to find out that she had passed away. it was on friday morning, when i was getting ready to go to dance. i had, for once, forgot to say goodbye to her that morning. daddy chided me and ask me why i didn't say. i was quite shocked at my own negligence too. i stood at the door and said byebye. she didn't respond. i then walked into the room, sat on the bed and shook her lightly to wake her up. she didn't respond. i shook harder. still, she didn't respond.

ran out of the room immediately to tell daddy that she's not responding. i tried to suppress the ominous feeling inside of me. daddy said that she was probably sleeping and told me to do to school. i quickly ran to school. i could still remember me convincing myself that now's not her time.. it's next year.. it should be.

it should have been.

when i was walking into the school, daddy's call came. his voice was trembling. he was crying. i stood so still on the spot when i heard the news.

granny has passed away.

tears flooded my eyes in that instant and i couldn't see where i was heading to anymore. i just stood there, not knowing what to do. i couldn't seem to embrace the fact. daddy told me to go home now. i called mummy and she said to take a cab.

the cab uncle saw me crying and immediately drove off, despite him not knowing the directions. instead of asking me, he called his friend and asked them how to get to my house. i'm really thankful for him.

reached home, ran into ahma's room and saw her lying on the bed. it looked as though she was sleeping, as though nothing has happened. when i held her hand, it was cold. tears just started falling uncontrollably and i cried, calling out to her again and again.

aling jiejie and dajie came shortly after and we just fell into each other's arms, crying.

arrangements for ahma's wake was quickly arranged and suddenly, the whole house was flooded with people and tears.

ahma looked so pretty when she left. they dressed her in those silk clothings, those that looked fit for a princess, with a band around her head and a pearl in her mouth and on her forehead. her face, she was so peaceful. there was no sign of her struggling. it was ask though she let them take her away, and that it was relief for her. i tried to be happy that ahma's no longer suffering now, but i just couldn't stop crying. i know im selfish, but i want ahma back. i want her to nag at me, her to watch the tv so that i couldn't, her to switch off the aircon while i was still sleeping. i want her back.

i worked hard for the wake. slept only at 8 in the morning and woke up at 12 to take on my shift again. i didn't want to sleep at night because that was the only time i could be alone with ahma. during the 5 days, i went to ahma's coffin and remembered her, dragging all the fuzzy memories i had with her. the outing with laosim, her watching tv, her smiling when i complained how daddy had made me waste my time when he didn't tell me that ahma had discharged. for 17 years of my life, she had been there. it's so hard to get use to her absence so suddenly.

monday, we sent her off and burnt all the stuff to her. i remembered crying so hard throughout the ritual. i wasn't ashamed of the 'uniform' i had to adorn, i was proud to wear it. and when the thing was over, i could really feel a lack of her presence. it was then that i realise like ahma has been with us the past 3 days - she had never left. it was only that day when we sent her up to the heaven that she really left us to go to the other world. burning the papers and house to her, i hope she would receive them and really be happy in the other world.

on tuesday, it was her cremation day. i had never cried so hard. the ceremony before placing her in the big truck, pushing her out to the road, sitting on the bus to mandai, praying the last time to her in the service hall and finally seeing her being pushed into the fire, i had never stopped crying. i had never felt such an overwhelming sense of grief before in my entire life. when i saw daddy break down too, i cried even harder. my vision was so blur and i wasn't sure of where i was walking. ayi had held on to me, guiding me as i went. i remember screaming her name, again and again, as i saw her being pushed into the fire. ahma..

went to collect the bones today. cried again. even mummy cried too. when i looked at the bones, it was like, this is ahma, that's all ahma is now. i can no longer hug her or talk to her anymore. she's not around anymore. settled her in the temple. i ran back to the urn secretly when the entire thing was over and spoke to ahma, telling her to take care, be happy, and not to worry because i would take care of didi for her. i hope ahma can really hear my prayers and be happy in heaven now, reunited with ah gong and da gu.

a lot of gossips arised during the 6 day period. now we know who are the fillial ones, and who are not. who are the ignorant ones, and who are the sincere ones.

i'll say that this had brought some parts of our family closer but not all. sorry, but some of your behaviour just irks me as much as it had irked all the other fillial ones.

cleared out ahma's room and found a lot of stuff inside. she had left a lot of money in her drawer, but we can't spend them. found a lot of the old things i had been when i was younger, all the things which had been abandoned as time goes by. the sense of nostalgia was so strong that i was reminded of ahma again.

i miss ahma...

ahma, are you happy now? are you looking at me from above, smiling, telling me to not be sad anymore because you're no longer suffering? are you happy that you are finally reunited with dagu and ah gong? will you miss us? will you forget us?

though i've never said this outright before but i love you, ahma. i really do.

ahma passed away on friday.

the house feels so empty but it felt like she has never left. everytime i step into the kitchen, i can somehow sense her presence where her photo is placed. but everytime i'm in there, tears would come unknowingly into my eyes. everytime i walk past ahma's room, the sense of grief would wash over me so strongly that i had to walk away as quickly as i can. ahma, i miss you so much!!

now i understand wad they meant by regretting not doing more when the person's around. i regretted not hugging her one more time, not kissing her cheek, telling her goodbye/hello, not holding her hand, not making her smile by talking to her, not holding her hand while she's walking, not watching the tv with her, not visiting her in her last visit to the hospital. so many things i regretted not doing and now it's all too late. i won't ever get the chance to do all these anymore.

ahma...

i was the first one to find out that she had passed away. it was on friday morning, when i was getting ready to go to dance. i had, for once, forgot to say goodbye to her that morning. daddy chided me and ask me why i didn't say. i was quite shocked at my own negligence too. i stood at the door and said byebye. she didn't respond. i then walked into the room, sat on the bed and shook her lightly to wake her up. she didn't respond. i shook harder. still, she didn't respond.

ran out of the room immediately to tell daddy that she's not responding. i tried to suppress the ominous feeling inside of me. daddy said that she was probably sleeping and told me to do to school. i quickly ran to school. i could still remember me convincing myself that now's not her time.. it's next year.. it should be.

it should have been.

when i was walking into the school, daddy's call came. his voice was trembling. he was crying. i stood so still on the spot when i heard the news.

granny has passed away.

tears flooded my eyes in that instant and i couldn't see where i was heading to anymore. i just stood there, not knowing what to do. i couldn't seem to embrace the fact. daddy told me to go home now. i called mummy and she said to take a cab.

the cab uncle saw me crying and immediately drove off, despite him not knowing the directions. instead of asking me, he called his friend and asked them how to get to my house. i'm really thankful for him.

reached home, ran into ahma's room and saw her lying on the bed. it looked as though she was sleeping, as though nothing has happened. when i held her hand, it was cold. tears just started falling uncontrollably and i cried, calling out to her again and again.

aling jiejie and dajie came shortly after and we just fell into each other's arms, crying.

arrangements for ahma's wake was quickly arranged and suddenly, the whole house was flooded with people and tears.

ahma looked so pretty when she left. they dressed her in those silk clothings, those that looked fit for a princess, with a band around her head and a pearl in her mouth and on her forehead. her face, she was so peaceful. there was no sign of her struggling. it was ask though she let them take her away, and that it was relief for her. i tried to be happy that ahma's no longer suffering now, but i just couldn't stop crying. i know im selfish, but i want ahma back. i want her to nag at me, her to watch the tv so that i couldn't, her to switch off the aircon while i was still sleeping. i want her back.

i worked hard for the wake. slept only at 8 in the morning and woke up at 12 to take on my shift again. i didn't want to sleep at night because that was the only time i could be alone with ahma. during the 5 days, i went to ahma's coffin and remembered her, dragging all the fuzzy memories i had with her. the outing with laosim, her watching tv, her smiling when i complained how daddy had made me waste my time when he didn't tell me that ahma had discharged. for 17 years of my life, she had been there. it's so hard to get use to her absence so suddenly.

monday, we sent her off and burnt all the stuff to her. i remembered crying so hard throughout the ritual. i wasn't ashamed of the 'uniform' i had to adorn, i was proud to wear it. and when the thing was over, i could really feel a lack of her presence. it was then that i realise like ahma has been with us the past 3 days - she had never left. it was only that day when we sent her up to the heaven that she really left us to go to the other world. burning the papers and house to her, i hope she would receive them and really be happy in the other world.

on tuesday, it was her cremation day. i had never cried so hard. the ceremony before placing her in the big truck, pushing her out to the road, sitting on the bus to mandai, praying the last time to her in the service hall and finally seeing her being pushed into the fire, i had never stopped crying. i had never felt such an overwhelming sense of grief before in my entire life. when i saw daddy break down too, i cried even harder. my vision was so blur and i wasn't sure of where i was walking. ayi had held on to me, guiding me as i went. i remember screaming her name, again and again, as i saw her being pushed into the fire. ahma..

went to collect the bones today. cried again. even mummy cried too. when i looked at the bones, it was like, this is ahma, that's all ahma is now. i can no longer hug her or talk to her anymore. she's not around anymore. settled her in the temple. i ran back to the urn secretly when the entire thing was over and spoke to ahma, telling her to take care, be happy, and not to worry because i would take care of didi for her. i hope ahma can really hear my prayers and be happy in heaven now, reunited with ah gong and da gu.

a lot of gossips arised during the 6 day period. now we know who are the fillial ones, and who are not. who are the ignorant ones, and who are the sincere ones.

i'll say that this had brought some parts of our family closer but not all. sorry, but some of your behaviour just irks me as much as it had irked all the other fillial ones.

cleared out ahma's room and found a lot of stuff inside. she had left a lot of money in her drawer, but we can't spend them. found a lot of the old things i had been when i was younger, all the things which had been abandoned as time goes by. the sense of nostalgia was so strong that i was reminded of ahma again.

i miss ahma...

ahma, are you happy now? are you looking at me from above, smiling, telling me to not be sad anymore because you're no longer suffering? are you happy that you are finally reunited with dagu and ah gong? will you miss us? will you forget us?

though i've never said this outright before but i love you, ahma. i really do.